The Stories We Tell Ourselves

As we reach the age that our parents made radical decisions in their lives, Lily and I are thinking about the power of the stories that we tell ourselves. These stories provide a frame, just like how the frames around a picture provide hard and concrete boundary to the story in the center. Unlike a picture frame, however, the stories we tell ourselves are not really fixed for all time. We can selectively remember only pieces of our history. This helps us to forget inconvenient truths, but it can potentially amplify the upper bounds of our lives by placing artificial goals beyond the reach of our current state.

As we think back on our parents and the decisions they made in their 30’s, it strikes me that the stories they created in that decade still affect them 3 decades later. Both Lily’s and my parents immigrated to this country, profoundly changing the lives of themselves and their children. Sacrifices were made to support the family. Dreams were given up. Some hurts never fully healed.

One parent thought of themselves as the middle child, struggling to earn a place of respect in the wider family. Another did a radical change to escape a difficult family situation. A third framed the situation as a struggle to be accepted into the host country, teaching the children to “consider how the Americans do it. Then go do that.”

30 years later, those stories still resonate in the minds of the first generation parents. They see careers less fulfilling in the States than if they had stayed in Taiwan. They see the successes of their children growing up to achieve the very best of the American society. They see further education they gave up for their family. They are hemmed in by the frugality necessary for the first 10 years in the United States—frugality that is no longer necessary and yet still has a permanent psychological weight on lives and choices.

As Lily and I grow into our 30’s and ponder the same questions our parents faced, we have to give care to the stories we tell ourselves. Are we from Albuquerque, or San Jose, or Los Angeles, or Taiwan? Are we middle class families that have climbed the social ladder successfully, or are we a family that is only now returning to a station in life that we had left 30 years ago? Are we frugal and tightfisted, or are we blessed and generous? Are we scared of the next 30 years of life, or are we eagerly looking forward to the glorious adventures ahead?

These stories that we tell ourselves this decade will profoundly stay with us even longer than the stories we formed in our 20’s.